Instead of lifting our heads and hearts with memories that we carry for a lifetime, these days remind us of just how long it has been “since” we hugged the person who died, since we shared a laugh, since we ate a holiday meal together.

We grieve not only the person we love who has died, but also the Life we lived with that person --- our roles and responsibilities, our companionship, the physical space we occupied together. We also grieve the time we spend sharing the important moments of our life. Holidays represent some of those special moments, as each family followed its own rituals, traditions and customs.

You may not feel up to creating new memories, so you decide instead to just hang onto the old ones as your past and present collide. This can send you on a downward spiral of despair, isolation, and hopelessness. Facing holidays can be one of the most challenging and difficult experiences you have to endure. You can waste a lot of time and precious energy trying to ignore holidays or you can use that energy to find new ways to celebrate.

Did you know that your grief can distort the traditions that you are able to hang onto? Suddenly, all the holidays you shared with your loved one who has died were perfect. How could this year’s celebration ever live up to those? All of these things make it more important than ever that you keep some rituals and traditions in your life. They give you structure and sense of control. But you want to embrace these rituals and traditions in a realistic way that serves to heal you, not merely trap you with a long list of things to do.

Not only are we grieving (again) our loved one, but we are also grieving the holiday which has forever changed as well. When we are surrounded by the sights and sounds of the approaching holidays, we are reminded again and again that our lives have changed forever. Grief that has settled into a slightly more comfortable place or routine in our life may suddenly intensify. We may feel disconnected from the people and events around us. How can we be with people who are trying to be happy when everything around us reminds us of the empty space at the table?

Helen Keller wrote, “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen nor touched, but are felt in the heart.” Holidays touch our hearts. And now, because of the death of your loved one, this holiday will touch your heart in a different way. Acknowledge and embrace your grief and all the pain and fear that come with it. It is real and it is a part of who you are. Remember, you are grieving because you have loved. There’s not a person I know who would give up the pain of their loss if it meant giving up the joy of having received love and companionship from the person who has died.

When we find ourselves in a crowd, we may feel even more isolated than ever. Loneliness is often accentuated during the holidays. We may find ourselves reviewing the past and yearning for the way it used to be. Our traditions, our holidays and our lives are forever changed.

There is one point much too important to skim over. Your loved one has died, but your love has not. Your memories have not. And your loved one’s influence in your life has not. You will be most satisfied with your “new normal” if you realistically incorporate your loved one into it.

Although you may feel like scattered pieces of a broken puzzle, perhaps the pieces can be rearranged, reshuffled and pieced together to form a different picture. Our task is to learn to live with what we’ve got instead of what we want.

We want to give you some ideas on how to create new rituals that will both honor your loved one and comfort you. Here are practical things you can do to make the holidays not only a little easier on you, but a little more meaningful for you.

Instead of searching out the perfect gift for every person on your list, consider finding one gift that fits all. For example, a copy of the same inspirational book that is meaningful to you. Or how about a CD that you especially enjoy? As surprising as this may seem, you have the option of giving nothing. If even the simplest shopping is too much right now, give yourself the latitude to skip that chore this year. You can always pick it up again next year.
 

Don’t be surprised by tears and sadness, and don’t fight them off. Instead, carry extra tissues. Let the tears come.
 

Tell me again.

Instead of trying to push back memories of your loved one during this season, ask friends and family members to share their recollections of the person with you in photographs, stories, and mementos.
 

Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. Give yourself the time it takes to be comfortable with your different life.
 

Break with tradition.

If certain family traditions are making you uncomfortable this year, consider changing them or skipping them entirely. Remember, you’re not throwing your traditions out the window. You’re simply modifying them this year and allowing yourself space to heal.
 

Make a list.

When you are grieving, you may experience a lack of concentration. It’s normal to be distracted and forgetful as you grieve, so feel free to lean heavily on your lists.
 

Take control.

No doubt you feel like your life is beyond your control. After all, if you could control things, your loved one would still be alive. Using lists, as we mentioned, can help you gain a sense of control.

Make a list of what you want to do. What you don’t want to do. What can you delete from your “to do” list? Who can help?
 

Listen to yourself.

Deep down inside, even if you don’t realize it right now, you know best what you need as you grieve. Pay attention to what you find yourself wanting and to what you wish others were helping you with. Most people are looking for ways to bolster you, but simply do not know how.
 

Share the love.

If it’s just unbearable to not buy a gift for your deceased loved one, consider buying one and then giving it to someone who would not otherwise have a gift.
 

Trust your own clock.

Use this time to look inward, to reflect, and to evaluate what has meaning for you. Many people who are grieving learn new and valuable things about themselves that enrich their lives.
 

Make memories gifts.

Your loved one gave you all kinds of gifts during your time together. Companionship, laughter, tenderness…what do you remember? Write them down and keep them near you.
 

Give it some thought.

Pick out three to five activities or rituals that are most meaningful to you and family members. Involve them in the decision, and figure out how each person can do the one thing that is most meaningful to him or her.
 

Just say no.

Sometimes, attending a party where everyone expects you to be up, chipper, and “over” your grief is torturous. If that’s the case for you, simply don’t go. Kindly but firmly tell your friends you will not be attending. At the same time, don’t automatically say “no” to every invitation that comes along simply because you are uncomfortable in your grief. You may be surprised at how much you enjoy being in the company of friends again. You know better than anyone what you need at this time.
 

Hold on to your wallet.

You can’t buy grief away. Think twice before buying extravagant gifts. Are you trying to make yourself feel better by spending money?
 

Make room for differences.

Respect and honor how someone else in your family grieves during the holidays. Don’t impose your feelings on other grievers and, at the same time, don’t allow them to make you express your grief the way they want you to.
 

Children and the holidays.

For children, whether they’ve lost a parent, grandparent, sibling or other loved one, life goes on…especially during the holidays. Despite their determination to celebrate the holidays, children and teens need some vehicle to express their grief at this time as well. Have the child make a special card for the deceased, involve children in a task that helps others, have a special gathering to have a sharing of memories, allow a child to choose a ritual performed by the deceased which they can now do, and get a special candle which is only lit in honor of the deceased.
 

Grandparents and the holidays.

Find someone with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings about your grandchild’s death. Find ways to include memories and/or memorabilia of the dead child in your family holiday ritual. Know that your children who have not lost a child may be uncomfortable with whatever you do, but explain to them how necessary it is for your grieving child. Know that your grief over the loss of your grandchild is legitimate. You have the need and right to grieve.
 

Look for a lift.

Think of things that you enjoy and treat yourself to them. Take responsibility to create your own healing environment. Again, be kind and gentle with yourself.
 

Share your holiday.

You don’t have to be alone during the holidays. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, visit a nursing home, and collect toys or food for the needy. Share yourself and your love.
 

Take care of yourself.

Take walks. Drink plenty of water. Eat healthy food that gives you extra energy. Be nice to yourself.
 

Hang the stockings.

Do whatever feels right for you and your family.
 

Look for joy.

Try celebrating what you do have as you realize what you are missing. If you find just one little chuckle in a day filled with tears, embrace it and enjoy it for the moment.
 

A toast and a prayer.

If it is not too difficult for you, consider drinking a toast to your loved one, or including that person by name in a prayer. It can be elaborate, or as simple as observing a moment of silence in memory and honor of your loved one.
 

Remember this:

These words are worth repeating. Pay attention to yourself. Listen when that little voice tells you you’re too tired to shop for one more gift. Give yourself the option of not attending another party. And be sure to let your friends and family members know what you’re up for, what you’re not, and what they can do to help.

Begin to let the joy of your loved one’s life take the place of the hurt and pain of their death. They lived…we loved…we still do! Live through the hurt so that joy can return to warm your heart.

Light a candle this holiday…a candle in celebration of a life well lived and loved. Remember the joy that used to light your life and let it glow within you…this holiday season and always.